Britain’s Got Talent Episode 1

April 14, 2009

Every week throughout this series of Britain’s Got Talent make sure you check in with Piers’ official site - it’s the only place to catch the full and extended version of his weekly blog featuring all the goings on from the show the fallout and much much more.

The Show

Admit it, when Susan Boyle walked out onto the stage of Britain’s Got Talent, a smile came over your face. Not, I suspect, a smile of expectant pleasure that you were about to hear the second Elaine Paige, who Susan said was her hero. But a smile of expectant horror and amusement at what I assumed would be about to happen - that, let’s face it, Susan’s singing might be rather more akin to that of a noise made when a lobster is being slowly boiled alive.

I can remember the moment she first opened her lips perfectly. We were at a big theatre in Glasgow, 3000 people were laughing their heads off, Simon and Amanda were stifling a chuckle, and then she started to sing.

And I can honestly say it was one of the most extraordinary moments in my perhaps equally unlikely career as a talent show judge.

Because Susan Boyle is not just a good singer, she’s a fantastic singer. Someone whose stunning range, tone and delivery is worthy of comparison to anyone - Elaine Paige included.

susan-boyle

As I watched her performance back again last night, I texted Simon in Hollywood: ‘My god, Susan was even better than I remembered - she’s unbelievable.’ He agreed, and I could almost feel his beady little eyes going ‘KERCHING!’ down the line from his new Beverly Hills mansion.

For, unless I am a brainless aardvaak - which might, sadly, be true - then this Glaswegian villager is going to sell a lot of records once this series is over.

Susan’s sensational rendition of I Dreamed A Dream was my highlight of a quite brilliant first show. I know we tend to always claim each series is better than the last, but honestly - this one is so much better I barely know where to start. Every act broke new records.

Stavros Flatley are the funniest dance act I’ve ever seen, taking the genius of last year’s Michael Jackson tribute act, Signature, one step higher with their hilarious Greek belly dancing meets Riverdance routine. When that little kid runs out looking just like his dad, I nearly bust a spleen I was howling so loudly.

Flawless were the best dance troupe we’ve ever had. They are, as their name suggests, absolutely flawless - and fantastic role models for young people.

flawless

Andy Demetriou’s arm-waving dancing was the most bizarre manouevre.   The Ferror Rocher eating man was the most unimpressive - Ant did five backstage and I did six in the green room later, albeit nearly making myself sick in the process.

And as for the magnificent Fabia’s cleavage-bursting disco-dancing, words, temporarily, fail me. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or run to the Britain’s Got Talent security team for protection. What you didn’t see on TV last night, by the way, was Mr Cowell running up on stage and sticking one of her nipple tassles back on. Let’s just say his grin was even bigger than it usually is…

And this, trust me, is just the start of it. There is more raw talent, and more, how shall I put this, ‘delusional on-stage activity’, in this third series than the last two put together. Keep watching, you’re in for a treat.

The Aftermath

And talking of treats, I picked up today’s newspapers to discover one of my own. Susan Boyle, a spinster who has never been kissed, has named me as the man she wants to end this unfortunate situation with.

‘Piers is gorgeous,’ she cooed, ‘I remember when he first came on America’s Got Talent and I thinking, ‘He looks really nice, I wonder who he is? I was too embarrassed to tell him how I felt when I was at my audition but I had my hair curled especially for the show. Up until now I have never met the right man but maybe that will change now I have met Piers. He’s a very handsome man. It is quite hard to choose between Piers and Simon because they’re both lovely but I think it would definitely be Piers.”

When I was asked for a quote by the Star on Sunday, I replied simply, and truthfully, with one word: ‘GULP!’

And my girlfriend, Celia, replied with three words: ‘Is she blind?’

But I am genuinely flattered by Susan’s comments. There aren’t many women who say they fancy me more than Simon, but she may just have started a bandwagon here! 

For more on Britain’s Got Talent check out the official mini site.

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