I Say DJ, You Say Talent!

May 26, 2009

I’m distraught.

Why the hell is DJ Talent not in the final?

In the history of musical travesties, this is right up there with Dannii Minogue never having a No1 hit single in the UK.

I don’t know what more DJ could have done - he blinged himself so high, I thought he’d blind the audience, he adapted his anthem to include shameless references to all three judges, and as for his throne and glamorous assistants, it was like watching Emperor Nero making a comeback.

Yet, despite this shocking knockback from the British public, I maintain that his song ‘I say Britain, You say Talent’ has got No1 written all over it.

And as I said last night, if Simon doesn’t want to manage him then I will.

I’m that confident.

As for the rest of the show, I think the word ‘dire’ might safely be applied to the first half (excluding the magnificent DJ, obviously).

The Hot Honeyz were so lukewarm I thought they’d start to congeal, Jamie Pugh died a terrible death of nerves on the biggest stage of his life, Mad Merlin’s rope fire escape act was nowhere near as good as his audition trick, and as for Peter Coghlan - has there ever been a more revolting sight than that vast mound of wobbly flesh? We couldn’t have put that in front of the Queen, we’d get beheaded.

Fortunately, the quality improved hugely in the second half.

Gareth Oliver was desperately unlucky not to make the final. Ventriloquism may be a dying art form in this country, but I thought he was terrific. It’s incredibly difficult throwing your voice well anyway, without actually singing through a puppet. And he had great charm too.

We need some great variety acts in the final, and he should have been one of them.

Not to take anything away from Shaun Smith, who is a very good young singer. Though I much preferred his audition performance of Ain’t No Sunshine. The song choice for the singers is absolutely crucial on these live shows, and if I was him I’d go back to that original one on Saturday.

Flawless, however, were simply brilliant.

They and Diversity are the two best dance acts we’ve ever had in this competition, and their dance-off in the final is going to be electrifying.

Of course, they may split the dance vote, leaving Susan Boyle free to charge to the victory everyone assumes is in the bag. We saw that last year when two similar classical singers, Faryl Smith and Andrew Johnston, split their vote, and George Sampson won.

Susan’s under huge pressure now, and my heart really does go out to her.

It’s not easy going from anonymity to world superstardom so fast, and I don’t think she really knows what the hell is going on with her life.

But if she comes back in the final with I Dreamed A Dream and nails it, then she is still the one to beat.

Lily Allen called her ‘over-rated’ today.

Now, I like young Lily, she’s an amusing cove.

But methinks some of these pop stars are getting just the teeniest, weenist bit jealous of Susan’s global domination.

And they’ll be even more irritated when she sells ten million albums in America, which trust me, she will - whatever happens in the final.

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